Growing up my mother always told me that I couldn’t possibly understand a mother’s love until I had children of my own. As they say “mother’s are always right,” and boy was she right.
I have a daughter and a son, and in a matter of months they have changed my world. The first thing you should know my little loves is that they are in heaven. My daughter, my first, was given to God at 5 weeks. My son, my second, was given to God at 13 weeks. Unfortunately I miscarried both my babies but have, with time, learned acceptance and understanding. One may assume that the love I carry for my children can not compare to the love that a mother feels towards her baby that she birthed, met, and raised. But that’s the true strength of a mother’s love. That’s why once again my mother was 150% right.
Having a miscarriage is traumatic and emotional for every mother, but I’m sure every woman reacts differently to the news. This is my story, experience and perception.
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter it came as no shock. I was taking a maternity class in my nursing program and was very in tune with my body. I had many early pregnancy symptoms, which led me to believe I was pregnant. But, when I had a insanely clear vivid dream of holding my daughter, and looking into her wide open bright eyes, that is the moment I really knew. When I took that pregnancy test a week before my period I was confident that when I looked at that stick I was going to see a magical second pink line appear out of know where. And when it did wow, just wow!
Lying next to my sleeping partner Andy, I thought about that pregnancy test that was hidden under the bathroom sink. I brainstormed, for what seemed like two hours, on how I was going to leave the room and get the pregnancy test that was wrapped in a grocery bag, without Andy waking up and hearing me. Finally, I managed to move his arm that was wrapped tightly around my body and snuck off to the bathroom. Anxiously, I waited for the two minutes to elapse so I could receive the most satisfying and extravagant news of my life. The result that was about to change my life forever.
A rush of adrenaline flood my body from my toes to my very tip of my head, bright and early at 3 AM. I felt lifted from the toilet seat, like I was swirling and floating around in the tiny bathroom located in Andy and I’s first apartment. The realization that I was a mother was like the biggest high that you just can’t relive. When I lied back down for the night there was nothing that could have helped me fall back asleep.
It was only two weeks until once again life took a turn. That’s all I got, two short weeks and a dream with my little love. Of course, these were the two fastest weeks of my life. Throughout my whole life I wished for life to speed up. If only Friday could come sooner. If only I was 18 already. This was the first time that I more than anything wished that time would slow, if not stop completely. Just one more second holding my stomach. Just one more second lying next to Andy in complete raw happiness. In just one second, I noticed the blood in my panties. In just one second, I broke the news to Andy. And in the next he rushed to pick me up from maternity class to take me to the hospital.
Of course now time slowed. Everyday of the grieving stages seemed to be the longest days and nights of my life. There were times that I just felt frozen in time until slowly the ice melted away. Gratefully I have that dream permanently engraved in my mind. I am so blessed that I was able to see her eyes and soft new skin. Yes I met my daughter. I was granted a dream and two weeks, and therefore I am a thankful and proud mother.
I’m Pregnant! Again!
My son came 4 months later. My strong, brave, little fighter. Andy was convinced I was pregnant, but I strongly believed otherwise. So I waited to take the pregnancy test the day before my projected period and when Andy was out of the house. This time, I was in complete and utter shock. Frozen in disbelief, mouth wide open. A familiar rush of energy spiralled through my body.
Another blessing from God. A baby that I would be able to hold and kiss and never take for granted. Well worth the wait, and the past grief. Thirteen weeks of extreme nausea and vomiting passed. As well as three months of ultimate gratitude. The easiest yet most difficult time in my life.
I lye on the bed getting my second ultrasound, Andy recording the big ear to ear smile on my face and the monitor. Life was perfect and beautiful. My soulmate standing tall, looking down on baby and me. Capturing a breathtaking moment in our lives, but then one second passes.
Concern and heartache flood Andy’s eyes. My body, my eyes, my heart goes numb. Numb. The best description. Andy’s balling into my shoulder. I know he is squeezing me so tightly. I can tell he is shaking. But my eyes are fixed. My chest is not rising and falling with my respirations. Life, I’m telling you! It’s a really puzzle. Do you ever win?
Grieving and Acceptance
One of the most challenging things about grieving is that you don’t know how long it will last. It seems like time will never heal the hole in your chest. Unforgettably, I had the most amazing support from my partner Andy. We took turns holding each other tight as the other cried. Together we got through the many nights we couldn’t fall sleep, and all the times we woke up crying.
Andy had all the right words to help me get through this huge challenge in my life. One thing Andy said was “Our son and daughter’s souls are so pure that they do not need to experience this life any further than the time they were given”. This gave me a rational for why I lost both my babies. It is very hard to forgive and accept a loss, so finding a reasoning that helps you personally find peace and acceptance is essential. It turns out that grieving never really does come to an end. We just learn how to adapt.
Now I realize that life isn’t about winning or loosing. But if it were to be, I have won. I have won by gaining perspective and understanding. And I would gladly be a home for my two special esoteric babies, again and again, for their ever so short, but grand emasculate little life.